


Pieces of You

by CaptainSwanLuver



Category: Once Upon a Time (TV)
Genre: Angst, Drama, F/M, Grief/Mourning, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-03-01
Updated: 2016-03-01
Packaged: 2018-05-24 01:36:23
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,331
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6136782
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CaptainSwanLuver/pseuds/CaptainSwanLuver
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Emma struggles to carry on after Killian’s death and things grow more complicated when he begins appearing to her.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Pieces of You

**Author's Note:**

> So this is my version of what would have happened if Emma never realized Gold’s deception and never decided to travel to the Underworld to get Killian back. This is about how she would deal with losing him. Hope you enjoy it! ~Steph

…Pieces of You: Part 1/1...

 

Emma had experienced loss in her life before, but never like this. Then again, she'd never loved like that before. Killian had broken down her walls and opened her heart. Losing him was like losing herself. She felt her walls go up again, stronger than ever. She felt her heart close up tight.

After three months of walking around like a zombie and trying to ignore the pitying looks from everyone she encountered when she rarely ventured out, she knew she needed to make more of an effort to carry on without him. Henry needed her. Her family needed her. Storybrooke needed her.

But before she could figure out a way to carry on without Killian, she needed to let him go. She needed to accept that he was truly gone. She needed to say goodbye.

So she went to the place she knew she would feel closest to him. The Jolly Roger. And that's when it happened for the first time. 

Emma was standing on the deck of the ship, staring out at the water as the sun set on the horizon. She clutched his ring that hung around her neck and closed her eyes. 

"Goodbye, Killian," she whispered. The words left her lips, but she didn’t feel them in her heart. 

Emma sensed his presence before she heard him. 

"Hello, love."

Her eyes flew open. She was afraid to turn around. Afraid her mind was playing tricks on her and she would be met with nothing but blank space.

She took a deep breath and forced herself to turn around. Her eyes landed on Killian, looking just as she remembered him. Not the cruel Dark One. But her loving, handsome pirate.

"Killian," she said softly. 

He offered her a smile. "It's me."

She rushed toward him, ready to throw her arms around him, but he held up a hand to halt her movement.

"I'm afraid you can't touch me, Emma."

"Why? You came back to me," she said, her eyes filling with tears. "I knew things couldn't end like that between us. You found a way to come back to me.

Killian's expression softened. "Emma, I'm not really here. I'm just a vision you conjured up when you held my ring in your hand."

Emma felt her throat begin to close up. "But I miss you. I need you."

"I miss you, too, love," he said.

"I love you, Killian. I don't know how to go on without you."

"I love you too, Emma.” He paused before adding, “I just want you to be happy."

She shook her head. "My happy ending isn't complete without you."

Killian stared at her for a long moment and then simply faded away.

Emma let out a sob. It felt like she lost him all over again.

...

The second time it happened was one week later. Emma, Henry, David, Mary Margaret, and baby Neal were having a nice dinner at their favorite Italian restaurant. It also happened to be the restaurant Killian had taken her to on their first date.

Mary Margaret and David exchanged a look as Emma pushed her spaghetti around her plate. She hadn't said a word all night. It had been like this for months with no sign of improvement. 

"Emma," Mary Margaret began. "David told me that there was a report of a flying monkey being spotted today. Do you think Zelena has returned?"

Emma shrugged, never looking up from her bowl, as she wound her spaghetti around her fork. "The report came from a dwarf. Hardly a reliable witness."

David licked at his lips. "True, the dwarves do tend to exaggerate and misconstrue things, but we're checking it out and keeping our eyes open."

Just then, there was a crash at the table behind them and a female gasped. Emma's head whipped up, her eyes landing on an embarrassed waiter who had spilled wine all over a female customer. 

Emma flashed back to her first date with Killian, when Will had spilled wine on her in a failed attempt to escape the restaurant unnoticed. 

Despite that mishap and Killian's overreaction, it had been a wonderful night. She remembered the way he looked at her and how his hands felt in hers. She remembered the way he kissed her goodnight. That night felt like the beginning of something wonderful and it was. She just had no way of knowing that things would end the way they did. 

She was all alone again, just like that little lost girl. Emma felt tears begin to burn her eyes. She reached for Killian's ring and held it in her hands, as she squeezed her eyes closed.

She felt a hand on her shoulder and then a brush of lips against her cheek.

"It's going to be okay, love," he whispered in her ear.

Emma's eyes opened and she looked up to find Killian smiling down at her. 

"You came back," she whispered. 

Mary Margaret, David, and Henry exchanged worried looks as Emma spoke to empty space.

Killian sat down in the empty chair beside her. "I'm always with you, Emma."

She brushed her fingertips across her cheek. "How is it possible I could feel you? You said I couldn't touch you because you were just a vision."

Killian shrugged and offered her a smile. "Perhaps your magic is more powerful than I imagined."

Mary Margaret bit at her lip worriedly. "Emma, sweetheart, who are you talking to?"

But Emma didn't hear her mother. She couldn't take her eyes off Killian. With a trembling hand, Emma reached out and linked their fingers together. Their hands always seemed to fit perfectly together. She sucked in a breath at feeling his skin against hers again. He was warm. 

"Please don't leave me again," she said.

"I'm afraid I can't stay."

Emma felt a tear slip down her cheek.

David sighed worriedly. "Emma, honey, who do you see?"

Her father's voice broke through this time. She turned to him, a small smile on her lips. "Killian."

Mary Margaret let out a small gasp. Henry shook his head. "Mom, there's no one here but us. He's gone. I'm sorry."

Emma's shook her head firmly. "No, he's right here. He's a vision I conjured up when I held his ring. Can't you see him?"

Killian reached out and caressed her cheek, his thumb swiping at a tear on her cheek. "Only you can see me, love."

Emma turned back to him, as she blocked out everyone and everything else around them. She met Killian's eyes. "Do you remember our first date?"

He smiled. "You looked so beautiful. And you made me so happy."

Emma opened her mouth to respond, but before she could he disappeared.

"No," she breathed.

Mary Margaret placed her hand on Emma's arm. "It's going to be okay, Emma."

Her parents and son didn't know what to think. They knew everyone grieved in their own time and in their own way. But for Emma to be imagining Killian worried them.

Emma moved her gaze back to her bowl of spaghetti, not even noticing when a tear spilled into it.

...

The third time it happened was at Granny's during a birthday party for Robin. Emma found herself standing in the middle of the diner, surrounded by her family and friends, yet feeling completely and utterly alone. She looked at them talking and laughing and smiling. How could they be having a good time? How could they be so happy when she felt like she was dying inside, piece by piece?

The air around her suddenly went quiet, like a TV on mute, even though the merriment around her continued on. She felt like she couldn't breathe. Emma turned on her heel and ran out the door. 

She moved to the tables on the patio. Emma sat down and took some deep breaths. It was then that she realized she was sitting at the table where they had shared their second kiss.

Emma closed her eyes and took his ring into her hand. She tried to imagine how his lips felt against hers. How his hair felt against her fingertips as she cupped his head. How his thumb felt on her chin.

"You're missing all the fun, love," she heard him say.

She opened her eyes and found him sitting across from her, just as he had done that day.

"I couldn't stand being in there one more minute. I felt like I was suffocating."

"You'd rather be out here alone?"

Emma smiled faintly. "I'm not alone."

"The people in there care for you, Emma. They need you and you need them."

"I don't know how to be around them anymore. They act like nothing has changed," she said.

They fell silent for a moment. 

"Would you do it again?" Emma suddenly blurted out.

Killian's brow furrowed. "Do what?"

"Trade your ship for me."

"In a heartbeat," he whispered.

"Even if you knew returning to Storybrooke would eventually lead to your death, you would do it all over again?"

Killian nodded, as he reached over and covered her hand with his own. "I wouldn't give up what followed after that night out here for anything in this world or any other, Emma. The happiness you filled my every day with is indescribable. I wouldn't trade it and the time we shared together for all the treasure in the world. I wouldn't trade it for anything."

Emma smiled. "Me neither."

Killian offered her one last smile before vanishing. Emma felt her heart sink into her stomach.

...

The fourth time it happened was in the shipyard. She was sitting at the edge of the water, looking out at the horizon as she had done that day he brought her there to calm her and try to convince her to forgive her parents. 

He always did that. He was her voice of reason.

Emma grasped the ring and closed her eyes, attempting to conjure him up. 

A moment later, she felt his leg brush against her back, as he settled down next to her.

She looked over at him. "The horizon didn't calm me that day. Neither did the rum. You did. You always did."

He smiled. "I was glad I could do that for you."

"I miss you talking me down when I'm being stubborn or unreasonable."

He put his arm around her shoulders and pulled her to him. She rested her head against his chest, enjoying his warmth. She wondered if a vision could really be warm or if she was just imagining it. She tried to hear his heartbeat, but there was only silence. She figured visions don't have heartbeats.

He placed a kiss to her forehead. "I am always here, Emma. I will never really leave you."

"It's not enough."

"You need to let your family help you get through this."

"They don't understand," she whispered. "They think I'm crazy because I'm seeing you. They want me to see a shrink."

"Let them help you, Emma," he repeated and then he was gone.

Emma sucked in a ragged breath and returned her gaze to the horizon. 

...

Emma walked through the woods, allowing the fresh air to fill her lungs. She had begun to take long walks in the woods. She liked the quiet and the vastness. She knew the woods could be dangerous, but they felt peaceful to her. Emma would sometimes lose track of time and spend hours just wandering. That always resulted in worried calls from her parents.

She continued walking until she reached Gold's cabin. She entered and stood in the middle of the room. She remembered standing there when Ursula told her she had killed Killian. She remembered how the air had left her lungs and how her heart had frozen in her chest. She hoped Ursula was lying, prayed that if she was telling the truth that he had somehow managed to survive without her knowledge. Emma recalled the wave of relief that had swept over her when Killian walked through that door. 

But he was really gone this time and all she had left were her visions. She clutched the ring and closed her eyes, conjuring him for the fifth time.

Emma opened her eyes and smiled at him. "Hi."

"Hello, love," he said.

"Remember this place?"

"How could I forget?"

Her voice softened. "You stood here and told me I was your happy ending."

"You were," he whispered.

She shook her head, as tears sprang to her eyes. "How can you say that? You're dead because of me, Killian. You died because of the choices I made."

He shook his head. "It was my choice and I died a happy man because I got to call you mine. I got to love you and have you love me back. What more could I ask for?"

"A life with me. A future!" she said.

Killian pulled her into his arms. "The future we dreamt of will remain just that - a dream. But that doesn't mean you can't have a happy life, Emma. You are so much stronger than you believe."

She looked up at him. "I feel like that little girl who felt hopeless. Who felt like nothing."

Killian brought his hand up to cup her cheek. "I made you feel that way." 

Emma's brow furrowed and she shook her head vigorously. "What? No."

He nodded. "Aye, that I did. When I was the Dark One, I said awful things to you, Emma. I preyed on your insecurities and your worst fears. I am so sorry."

"It wasn't really you talking, Killian. I knew that."

"I was angry with you, but it was the Dark One that spewed those terrible things to hurt you. I didn't mean a word, Emma. You were never nothing."

She smiled. "I know. Thank you."

He paused, licking at his lips nervously. "Do you ever regret it?"

"What?"

"Taking a chance on me. Allowing me to break down your walls and opening yourself up to loving me."

"Of course not. How could I regret something so wonderful?"

"Because of the pain you're in now," he said softly. 

Emma swallowed hard. "You told me a thousand times you were a survivor."

"You were afraid to love me because you didn't want to lose another person and that's exactly what happened. And now here you are."

Emma stared at him for a long moment, but no words came. And then he was gone. 

...

The sixth time it happened Emma was babysitting Neal. She was up in her former bedroom. Her parents were in the process of turning it into a nursery. Neal's crib was up there, but her old bed remained.

Emma lay on the bed, watching Neal sleep in his crib. He looked so peaceful, so innocent. She wondered what the future held for him and hoped he would never have to endure the pain she had.

She rolled onto her back and stared up at the ceiling. Emma remembered finding Killian up there after she watched him die in the storybook. She remembered how relieved she felt and how much she wanted to tell him she loved him. She wished she had. She wished she hasn't let her fear get in the way.

Emma rolled the ring in the palm of her hand and shut her eyes. A moment later, she felt the spot beside her dip down. She opened her eyes and found herself staring into his baby blues.

She smiled and brought her hand up to his cheek. "I dreamt of this so many times. Waking up next to you, seeing that handsome face and those gorgeous eyes."

"I too dreamt of this," he said with a smile. 

"I wish I had told you I loved you earlier, Killian. I wasted so much time."

"I knew, Emma. I could see it in your eyes every time I looked into them."

"You deserved to hear the words." She paused, sucking in a breath. "Do you realize I've had to watch you die three times?"

Killian leaned forward and placed a kiss to her forehead. "I know, love. I am so sorry."

"I remembered how much it hurt to lose you in the storybook and how relieved and happy I was when I found you up here. I...I just didn't want to imagine my life without you. And now I have no choice."

"Emma, you deserve a good life. You deserve to love and be loved again."

Emma shook her head firmly. "No, you were it for me, Killian. I don't want anyone else. And even if I did, I...I can't open myself up like that again."

"You didn't want to open yourself up to loving me, but you did. You said you didn't regret it. Consider what you would have missed if you hadn't, Emma."

She sucked in a ragged breath. "I just don't think I could do it again."

"You owe it to yourself to be open to love again, Emma. It’s what I want for you," he said before vanishing.

Emma squeezed her eyes closed as she tried to keep the tears at bay.

....

Emma stood outside her house, staring up at it. It was the house he had chosen for her, for them. It was supposed to be a symbol of hope, of their future. But it was a future that was not to be. 

She walked up the stairs and entered. Growing up in foster care, she had always wanted a house she could call her own. A real home. But now every moment spent in it reminded her of Killian and the future that had been ripped away from them. She had seriously considered selling it. She'd even picked up the phone a dozen times to call a real estate agent. But she always hung up before she finished dialing. She couldn't do it. She couldn't rid herself of one of the last pieces of the man she loved. She hoped one day the reminders of him it brought her would fill her with peace and comfort, rather than pain and sadness.

Emma moved to the telescope she had gotten for him. He only had a chance to use it that one time. She looked out at the water. The stars were twinkling on the surface. He said the water calmed him.

Emma took the ring in her hands and closed her eyes. A moment later, she felt his arms slide around her waist and his warm breath tickle her ear.

"Beautiful, isn't it?"

Emma smiled, as she turned around in his arms, looping her own around his neck. "It is."

Her eyes met his and then scanned his face for a long moment. She had been yearning to kiss him since he had first appeared to her on the dock of his ship.

Hesitantly, she leaned forward and tilted her head upwards so her lips brushed across his. She pulled back and waited, afraid he would disappear. But he simply smiled and closed the distance between them this time. 

His lips were soft and warm against hers. His tongue begged entrance, which she gladly granted. Her hands moved up to grip the hair at the nape of his neck, as she deepened the kiss. He felt just like she remembered.

They parted a moment later, their foreheads still touching. 

"I love you so much," he whispered.

"I love you," she breathed. She brought her hand up and touched his cheek. "Please don't leave."

"Emma," he said, as he took a step back.

Emma smiled weakly, as she took his hand in hers. "Don't you see, Killian? We can still be together. Just like this."

"I'm a vision, Emma. I'm not real."

"You feel real," she said softly. "You feel just how I remember."

"I can only appear for minutes at a time."

She shrugged. "I don't care. It's better than nothing. I will treasure the moments we share together, no matter how fleeting."

"You deserve to have a man who can be with you always."

"I don't want another man," she said firmly. "I want you. I would rather spend a few minutes with you than a lifetime with someone else."

Killian smiled sadly. "It could never work. Your family-..."

"They would never have to know. I wouldn't make the same mistake again and speak to you in front of them. It would just be the two us in private."

Killian leaned forward and placed another kiss to her lips. 

"It cannot be, Emma. In your heart, you know that," he said.

And then he was gone. There was a part of her that feared that the seventh time he appeared to her would be the last.

She placed her hands over her face and cried into them.

...

Emma lay in bed, staring up at the ceiling. She thought back to a few days earlier when they had kissed. She wondered if he could kiss her, if he could also make love to her. It was one of her many regrets. She never got the chance to make love to him. She never got the chance to give him that last bit of herself, her body.

She looked over at the other side of the bed. She had taken to sleeping on one side and imagining him sleeping beside her. Emma picked up the ring and allowed it to roll around in her palm for a few moments before closing her eyes.

She waited for the spot beside her to dip down as it had at her parents' loft when he had appeared in her bed. She waited for the first warmth of his touch. But she felt nothing. 

Emma opened her eyes, her heart sinking at the blank space before her. Her eyes scanned her bedroom but she found nothing but emptiness.

Emma sat up in bed, as her heart began to race. She began to panic. What if she never saw him again? She didn't get to say goodbye. She wasn't ready to let him go. She knew she never would be.

She tried again, holding the ring so tightly that the chain began to cut through the skin of her fingers. She opened her eyes, but still found nothing.

She needed him to come back. Emma jumped out of bed. It was late, but she needed answers. She needed to go to the one person who might be able to provide them.

...

Emma rang the doorbell and then pounded on the door with her fist. She saw the light go on inside and the door swung open a moment later, revealing Regina clothed in slk pajamas and a matching robe.

"Ms. Swan? Do you have any idea what time it is?"

Emma walked right past her into her foyer.

"I need your help."

"Is there an emergency?"

"No, but-..."

"Then I think it can wait until morning."

Regina held the door open and gestured with her hand toward it. "Goodnight, Ms.-..."

"I've been seeing him," she said, cutting her off.

"What?"

"Killian. I've been having visions of him."

"Ah, yes, your parents did mention something to me about that. I didn't realize it was still happening."

Emma held up the ring. "I hold his ring and close my eyes and he appears."

"You conjure up a vision of him."

"Yes, but it's more than that. I can touch him, Regina, and he can touch me."

Regina's brow furrowed, as she allowed the door to swing shut.

"You can't touch visions, Ms. Swan. No matter how powerful your magic."

"But I can. He's warm, Regina. I've kissed him. He feels as he always did."

Regina knitted her brow together. She didn't say a word, but headed to her office. Emma followed her.

Regina sat down at her desk as she chewed on her lower lip.

Emma sighed. "Tonight, I tried to make him appear and he didn't. I need you to help me bring him back."

Regina shook her head. "We need to understand what he is first."

Regina stood, walked over to a bookshelf, removed a book, and sat back down. She opened it up and quickly thumbed through the pages.

"Yes, I was correct. You can't touch a vision."

"Then what is he?" 

Emma began to worry that it was all in her head. Had she imagined the entire thing? 

Regina turned a few pages and tapped her finger against the page. "You must have conjured his spirit."

Emma's brow furrowed. "And I could feel him like he was still alive? He was so warm."

Regina met her eyes. "It says it's possible for the spirit to take on a bodily form if certain criteria are met."

"What criteria?"

"You must have powerful magic and it must be true love."

Emma smiled. "Check and check."

Regina shook her head. "You can only conjure a spirit if they are in the Underworld. Not Heaven or Hell. They will remain in the Underworld if they have unfinished business."

"So Killian must still have unfinished business."

"But Emma you said he didn't appear to you tonight," Regina said. "It's possible he has moved on from the Underworld."

Emma sucked in a breath. "No, it can't be over."

"Emma, I think Killian came back to help you move on. He wanted to help you let him go."

"But I told him I couldn't. I told him I wanted us to be together."

"And he knew he couldn't allow that to happen. He loves you so much, Emma, that your happiness is all that matters to him. His unfinished business was to let you know that you could be happy again, that you could love again."

"But I told him I wouldn't."

"He knew you wouldn't as long as he kept appearing to you. He knew you needed to let him go once and for all. And so he moved on from the Underworld."

Emma felt her tears begin to burn her eyes. "It can't end like this."

"I'm sorry," Regina said.

Emma simply shook her head and exited without another word. 

...

Emma spent the rest of the night roaming Storybrooke. She went to every place he had appeared to her. She thought that maybe he only appeared if it was a place they had shared a special moment. Maybe he hadn't appeared in her bedroom because they had never shared an important moment there before. He had never even been in there.

But every place she went, nothing happened. By the time she returned home the sun was ready to rise into the sky and she was both physically and emotionally drained. 

Emma thought for a moment. She couldn't conjure his spirit, but maybe she could still conjure a vision of him. 

She closed her eyes and gripped the ring. When she opened them, he stood before her. But he was different this time. It was almost like he was hologram. She knew there would be no point in trying to touch him.

"Why did you leave me?" she asked.

"It was time. You would never be able to let me go if I didn't let you go first."

"What do you mean?"

"My unfinished business wasn't just about helping you to move on, Emma. It was about helping me too. I needed to know you were going to be okay. And then I needed to let you go."

"I'm not going to be okay. Not without you."

Killian nodded. "Aye, you will. It will take time and it won't be easy, but you will. You will let someone else knock those walls down and open your heart."

"No, Killian, you are my one true love and I am yours."

"And that will forever remain true. You found your true love, but that doesn't mean you can't love again. One day we will meet again, Emma. But until then you have a long, happy life to live."

Emma didn't know how that would ever be possible. She felt so empty and broken inside.

"I don't know if I can."

"All I ask is that you are open to love, Emma. Someday, you may find someone comes along and takes you by surprise, just as I did."

Emma smiled, as tears streamed down her cheeks. "I will always love you."

"And I will always love you," he replied. "But now we must say goodbye."

Emma inhaled deeply and gathered all the strength she could. 

"Goodbye, Killian," she whispered.

“Goodbye, love,” he said.

He offered her one last smile before fading away. The tears hit Emma in full force. She knew she would never see him again.

...

Emma sat on the end of the dock, staring at Killian's ship. She heard footsteps approach her from behind, but she didn't turn around. A moment later, her mother, father, and son sat down beside her.

"We spoke to Regina, Emma," Mary Margaret said.

"We know what happened with Hook," David added.

Emma stared at her reflection in the water. "So do you still think I'm crazy?"

Mary Margaret shook her head. "We never thought that."

"You're grieving, Emma," David said. 

"Mom," Henry said, he reached out and covered her hand with his. She met his eyes. "We're here for you."

Mary Margaret nodded. "I know you feel alone right now, but you have so many people who love you."

"Your mother is right. We are going to help you get through this."

"I know it will take time and it won't be easy, but you'll make it through, Emma."

Emma smiled weakly. "Thank you."

"You spent so long feeling unloved, Emma. But now you know how wonderful loving someone and being loved can be. I know it seems impossible now, but one day you will love again," her mother said.

David nodded. "You must remain open to it, sweetheart. It's what Hook would have wanted for you."

Emma bobbed her head, as she brought her hand up to clutch his ring. "You're right. He told me so." She paused and took a deep breath, "But right now I have to figure out how to live without him."

Mary Margaret put her arm around her shoulder. "Just take one day at a time. One step at a time."

Emma nodded and moved her gaze back to his ship. 

...

Emma returned home hours later. Her family had gone to lunch at Granny's. She'd managed to make conversation and even laughed once. One step at a time, she thought.

Emma moved to where his telescope was. Her brow furrowed at a box with a bow on it that sat on the table beside it. It hadn't been there when she left.

Emma picked up the box and opened it. Inside, was a snow globe. She picked it up and cradled it in her hands, as she peered inside. She emitted a small gasp as she realized it was Storybrooke. There was Granny's and the library. There was the dock with the Jolly Roger floating in the water. And there was her house. Their house.

She shook the globe and watched as the snow fluttered down. As she shook it, she noticed the bottom was engraved.

It read: For my true love Emma. I will be with you always. I will watch over you. Love forever, Killian.

Emma felt tears spring to her eyes. She peered more closely inside the globe, her eyes moving to his ship. She smiled as she realized a tiny replica of him was standing on its deck. Killian held a spyglass to his eye and it was aimed right at their home. He was watching over her.

Emma clutched the snow globe to her chest, right against his ring that hung around her neck. She held them both close to her heart. 

She had pieces of him. And she knew that would have to last her a lifetime.

.....…………………...............................The End………………………………..................  
Thanks for reading! I’d appreciate any feedback you’d like to give! ~Steph


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